Why am I still at work?

So as you can tell, I write. Not for a living but soon. In the meantime, I have a day job that pays my bills and gets me to afford a few little luxuries. But as I head into hour number 2 of overtime, I wonder...why am I still at work?

Now don't get me wrong, I like networking. I've learned a lot of tips from previous employers and colleagues...tips that I still employ today in life, finances, and the like. But when you're in a meeting and the only thing that's running through your head is how you can put two characters together in a certain scene, well, obviously...working a 9 to 5 isn't what I aspire.

Two years ago, something dramatic happened in my life that kick-started my writing 'career' so to speak. It made me realize that there was more out there than just playing around and having fun...but being serious and actually explore my passion.

When I was unemployed recently, the same tidbit happened. I had a renewed passion for writing. I had a temporary job that took me outdoors and I realized, maybe being stuck at a job where there's no excitement, no passion, no pizzazz isn't for me. Maybe I need that challenge. That kick in my ass. That slap.

My fiancee is always helping me nurture my writing talent, constantly passing along information that'll help me. And I always think, 'Well, I'll get to it when I have time,' 'I'll look at it later.'

If not now, then when? Sometimes opportunities only come once...

That being said...I'm going to pursue my writing with more fervor than before. More contests. More courses. More book reading. But most important of all, more passion.

Do You Hear The Bells?

I've been watching too much Hairspray. The newer version if you must know.

So as everyone knows by now, I'm getting married. The wedding is tentatively scheduled for May 6, 2011. You have noticed I said tentatively. Well, we are having a wedding that day but more than likely, we'll get married way sooner than that.

Way sooner. How much sooner? We're not sure yet. But way sooner. Possibly this year.

So now trying to plan a wedding and get the details finalized is a bit peculiar since several things are coming up: a romantic couple getaway to San Francisco; us moving in together and finally, not one--but--two engagement parties this summer.

Busy!

But the one thing I love about having such a busy and hectic schedule is I'm not losing track of why all of this is happening. While some brides are concentrating on a certain flower or shade of color, I'm focused on my relationship and doing whatever I can to make it work. Sometimes, you don't need the bling-bling to show your lover how much they mean to you. All you need is a smile and a hug.

So I think we're going to have the engagement parties at a restaurant, we're not sure which one yet. We're doing a L.A. one for our friends and family in L.A. and a Palm Springs one for our friends and family in Palm Springs. It's actually much easier that way so there's never a question if someone can't attend because of the distance.

I'm actually excited about getting married. I feel I'm starting a brand-new chapter in my life and I can't wait!

Memory Lane..glad I'm not there anymore

Today I found myself reminscing at work. Well, not really reminscing but wondering. Wondering what a few of my exes were doing and what they were up to. No particular reason and no, I didn't get into a fight with the hubby. But just an overall wonder about the people that impacted my life...and who helped me become the woman I am today.

I briefly thought about what life would've been like if me and any of the exes worked out. Would things be better? Would they be worse? Would we have evolved as a couple? Or would we have fought bitterly over everything like we did when we were together?

And then it occurred to me...my reminscing on my exes is not of fondness, per se. But rather, a thankfulness. If it wasn't for my experiences with them, I wouldn't have met my current soul and lifemate.

I can think back to the good times I had with my exes and think fondly of those times. But do I miss them overall? No. Do I want to reconnect with them? No. But do I wish them well? Definitely. For me to still wish harm and wrong on them won't benefit me one iota. And let's face it, I'm way too fly to have someone's negative energy affecting my spirit. :)

Strolling back down memory lane made me appreciate the gem I currently have and how thankful he's a part of my life every single day. Sometimes you have to go through rain to get that sunshine. :)

I love you, baby. :)

Blow by Blow II

So right about now, I should be in a coked-up sexcapade right now with one of my best friends. I should be higher than the moon as my body convulses with multiple orgasms.

But no, I’m not.

Instead I’m stuck at a Mom & Pop’s dine down the way in a horrible foursome. Wanna guess who are my partners for the night? Let’s see…

To my right, I have the biggest asshole ex-boyfriend aka Johnny. Across from me, I have the second biggest asshole would-be boyfriend, Ran-asshole. And of course, the square would not be complete without the biggest cunt known to man: Sam.

Johnny Cash spoke the gospel: Oh how I wish I was high.

No one is saying a word but someone needs to start speaking goddamnit. Time is money and right now, I’m not getting paid. Instead, I’m in a starring role of a very special episode of “Fucked.”

“Is there anything you want to say, Maria?” Johnny asks.

“Yes, I do, actually,” I turn to him, “are we done here? Because I have a blow job to finish.”

Johnny shoots me a ‘STFU’ look. Ladies, you know the one. The one look that’s painstakingly clear you went too fucking far. Here we go.

You see all of this started just when I was bout to get off—yeah, perfect timing. I hear pounding on my door and a familiar voice.

“She-Ra, open up.”

Now the only person who calls me She-Ra is Dickhead Cena. For some reason I thought I was imagining shit and I decided to get up and see if my mind was really playing tricks on me. I jump off the bed and before I could even open the door all the way, both Dickhead and Ran-asshole come barging in like they’re the goddamn police. And who’s with them? Funny you ask but we all know who it is.

A tearful Sam. Cry me a river.

No time for apologies or explanations as a trench coat is thrown on me and I’m hurried out of the hotel room. So now I’m stuck at a motherfucking diner with two of the biggest dicks I’ve ever known. And I mean that both literally and figuratively. But what pisses me off is that somehow I’m the bad guy in this bitch while Sam the Cunt is the poor wittle victim.

Bitch, please.

“We’re going to go outside and talk,” Randy motions Sam to get up and they leave the restaurant. So great, that leaves me and Dickhead. This. Should. Be. Fun.

There is now a thick layer of uncomfortable silence between me and Cena. You know the deal. It’s when things are so uncomfortable you don’t want to talk but you have to. You don’t know where to begin and you’re afraid of how it’s going to end. One of you definitely fucked up.

And even though it’s not my fault, I’ll get the blame. Fun.

Johnny lets out a breath and begins to speak finally. “You know, I would ask how you’ve been but I already know the answer…”

I shake my head. I already know where this is going. “Don’t start, John…”

“Why? So you can finish?” He curtly asks. “You know, I keep giving you benefit of the doubt and you keep showing me why I shouldn’t.”

“Then don’t,” I reply, “save yourself from the heartache and bullshit.”

Johnny keeps his stare straight ahead as he leans over and rests his head on his hand. “Why do you keep fighting me?”

“Why do you keep instigating it?”

He sighs of intense frustration. Same fight always. In the five years we’ve known each other, we never argued on anything other than how much we wanted to change me. “You’re better than this, She-Ra.”

“Johnny, please…”

He puts a hand to silence me. “I keep telling you why you shouldn’t. I keep suggesting other things you can do. And in the end, you always go back to whoring.”

“It’s what I know,” I whisper.

“No, it’s what you’re good at. Lay down, spread your legs, earn a couple of thousands, easy! But to use your brilliant mind? To put hard work into something? Hard, isn’t it? The sex business did well but it wasn’t a 10K paycheck so you went back to what was easy. Our relationship was a lot of hard work but you wanted an easy way out. So what did you do? You fucked my best friend. That fool left his fiancée for you and now you’re playing the ‘I’m not sure if I want you’ game with his ass. If you have to work hard at something, you make damn sure you take the easy route so it doesn’t require too much effort. But it’s not surprising coming from a whore.”

That last line caught me off-guard like I’ve been suckered punch dead in the face. I suddenly feel tears swell in my eyes as I try to keep composure.

Johnny turns my face towards his. At this point, I’m letting the tears fall. “Maria, I fucking love you. Got that? I fucking love you and it kills me you are so fucking self-destructive to see it. You have to ruin everything that is good for you for reasons I’m not sure you even know,” he then kisses my lips and spreads his thumbs over my tear-stained cheeks. He takes out a stack of hundreds and puts it in my hand. “I’ll tell Stephanie you earned your bonus.”

Johnny excuses himself from the table and I watch him leave. No matter how many men I have been with, I can honestly say I officially hate them.

-------------


“I had the most difficult conversation with Sam just now,” Randy exacerbates as he sits beside me, “I just told her we were finally done and I was in love with you and that was that. She took it pretty well but I’ll probably see an exclusive tell-all interview tomorrow on the blogs,” he quips.

“That’s nice,” I barely mutter.

“I thought you would be a bit more hap—” Randy turns to me and sees my tears. I’m trying my best to stop sniffling but my damn runny nose isn’t helping. “What happened? What did that asshole do to you?”

I shake my head as Randy tries to pry more information out of me. It just happened and the past is already too painful to talk about. I clean up my nose long enough to clear my thoughts and get real. How Randy answers this next question will determine everything between us. “Randy, I need to ask you something.”

“Yeah, what? What is it?”

I grab his hand and look into his precious baby blues. “Do you honestly see a future with us?”

“Honestly?”

“Preferred.”

Randy puts a hand on mine and kisses my lips. “I hope there is,” he smiles.

I should be happy but I’m not. That wasn’t the answer I was looking for. If he’s not sure about us, where does that leave me?

Girls to Women

It's a play on the song title, Boys 2 Men made famous by New Edition and inspired that certain R&B group out of Philly to adopt it as its moniker. But I'm not talking music...I'm speaking on real-life.

A situation presented itself a short while regarding my friend, Becky. Now Becky and I have known each other all of our lives. We're practically sisters (or were...get to that in a minute) and I have shared many intimate details of my life with her. Not just dick game stories, but just everything.

Over the years, Becky and I have grown up but still remained close. We both went through some pretty traumatic dealings and often leaned on each other. Becky took advantage of my kindness at times, but that's what sisters do.

At least that's what I thought.

Recently, with much stress happening in my life, I did the inevitable. I snapped at Becky and behaved pretty childlish and bullshit-like. After calming down and realizing how stupid I was, I apologized profusely to Becky and even wrote her a thesis-long e-mail explaining me snapping at her wasn't because of her but rather I just had a bad week and she was unfortunately, the brunt of it.

Well, my apologies to Becky fell on deaf ears. Mind you, I didn't call her out of her name or curse at her. Nor did I say anything below the belt. And, this is the first time I have EVER snapped on her and we've known each other since kindergarden. Come to find out a couple days later, Becky is hell-bent on holding a grudge aganist me and will tell anyone who cares about what I did that hurt her.

What blows my mind is Becky is so quick to forgive an asshole ex-boyfriend who cheated on her twice with the same woman...but her girl? Nah.

And then one wonders...didn't I graduate from high school? About 12 years ago? I swore I did.
Becky's refusal to talk to me (and badmouth me) made me ask myself: Are some friends really worth keeping? You can know someone for years but do you really know who they are?

Let's keep it real: If you can't accept your friend's apologies and you've known each other practically since birth, maybe the friendship wasn't that tight. Maybe it's best to go separate ways.

But at what point does the bullshit high school games end and adulthood begin?

Surprisingly, I'm not mad or angry at Becky. It's her choice not to talk to me no matter how silly it is. I look at it from this point of view: I've moved on. Once I said my apologies, it's cleared from my mind. If you can't forgive, the burden officially lands on you, not the other person. Don't say you have a belief in God and you practice a certain religion, but you don't know how to forgive people. That makes not one lick of sense.

As far as Becky is concerned, I wish her well. I hope she is successful in whatever she does regardless if she wants me to be a part of her life. But honestly, I'm not sure if I'm willing to make her a part of mine. Did I miss her? Like crazy at first. Do I now? Not really. I think she did me a huge favor and I just realized it.

Sometimes you grow up...and grow apart.

I'm dropping shit like a pigeon...

Biggie Smalls is the greatest rapper. Period. Dead or Alive. No one comes close. Not Jay-Z. Not Lil' Wayne...no one can spit like Biggie.

Well, I haven't had anything to update but you can already tell with my lack of posting, can you? Stories, life, nothing, really. For once, my life was actually kinda boring. Now it's gotten exciting again...

I'm officially in Los Angeles and honestly, it's like second-nature. I thought I would get confused by the traffic and all the skyscrapers but it's nothing. It's almost as if I needed to be here. It'll take about a minute for me to get used to some directions and cross-streets but you know what? I can dig it. It's almost as if God said, 'This your home, baby girl.'

How about that?

Started a new job temporarily. Ever since I've been laid off, I gotten pretty used to not working. Now, I'm not complaining about my current job now. It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life but for now it's accomplishing two things: rebuilding my savings/retirement accounts and paying bills. Going from no income to back to what I was making is nothing short of a God-send.

Plus, it's with Johnson & Johnson. The deal is once you're good with one J&J company, you tend to be good with all of them. There's about 200+ strong.

Um, that's about it from the personal end. Shout-out to all of my Twitter peeps. If you're not following me, I invite you to do so @veraroberts.

Stay Beautiful!